Forgiveness was an unwelcome subject between the Lord and me. It was a long time before I said, “I’m ready.” In truth, I didn’t exactly say those words. I said, “I’m not ready to forgive, so help me be willing to forgive.”
Honestly, sometimes your first step in forgiveness is praying to be willing. The feelings come later.
Think about unforgiveness like a “Certificate of Offence”. In a way, it is a marriage certificate. A Certificate of marriage is the representation of two souls intertwined in the most intimate relationship. It represents the covenant agreement between two parties. And with a covenant of agreement comes all authority under that agreement. So our certificate of offense is a covenant agreement, and it represents permission with unforgiveness, and it grants authority to be intimate with your soul.
What is a covenant agreement? In the Bible, a covenant is a promise or agreement between God and humanity. Covenants are like contracts, treaties, or wills in the ancient world, and establish the basis of a relationship, the conditions of that relationship, and the consequences if those conditions are not met.
Let me repeat, because it is important: With a covenant agreement comes all the authority under that agreement. It gives unforgiveness permission to be one with you. It gives it permission to be intimate with your soul.
Yuck!
I was 33 when my dad committed suicide. This trauma was a catalyst for my first big episode or combat zone with unforgiveness. I’ve shared before that I suffered some sexual abuse from my father growing up. A lot of the memories from that abuse were buried under 30 + years of fear and pain and they didn’t surface until after he died. So, when I started counseling with my spiritual mamas, one of the first things they told me was I must forgive him. And just like when the Lord wanted me to walk in forgiveness with my former husband, I tried to turn my head and not listen. I remember telling them, “But you don’t understand what a monster he was.” They lovingly put their hand on me, and agreed that what he did was monstrous, but they didn’t want my heart and soul to be attached to him any longer. And that’s what my unforgiveness was doing. It was the invisible umbilical cord that connected us spiritually.
So, the Lord and I went to task in prayer. And while in prayer, I saw. It was the only “vision” I’ve ever seen, but as I pressed into praying, the Lord showed me a little boy standing in front of me. He was dressed in oversized blue jeans and a white t-shirt with sneakers that looked like they came out of a 40s Sears catalogue. He had dark, curly hair and soulful eyes. As I looked closer into this little boy’s eyes, I saw such devastation. I saw a broken spirit.
And suddenly, I knew this was my dad as a little boy.
The Lord said, “Look over there.” I turned to the right and saw a white wooden gardening shed. “Your grandfather would take him in there and beat him regularly,” the Lord whispered. I turned back to the little boy, my father, and the Lord continued, “That is why he hurt you. I know you don’t want to forgive the man who hurt you…but can you forgive the wounded little boy?”
My heart broke for that little boy whose spirit was utterly shattered.
I was ready to forgive that precious, wounded little boy…but my dad? The adult who knew better? This was a hard one…the Lord pressed into my heart… “Daughter, then are you willing to be willing?”
The flood gate of emotions cascaded thru me…before I knew it, I wanted to embrace that sweet little boy and love away his wounds from HIS father. Once this started, it was just moments before I was rushing into my heavenly Father’s arms saying; I forgive ALL of him.
That was when I was free, and true healing started.
What are the Effects of Unforgiveness?
Unforgiveness is a wall that halts your call/destiny. Maybe not completely, but like a marathon runner with a sprained ankle, it slows you down and causes inflammation and pain. Each pounding step weakens the ankle until it eventually breaks. I held a certificate of offense toward my former spouse, and I needed to leave it at the footstool of God. But I found this nearly impossible.
What if God forgot how much pain I carried in the marriage? I mean, I reminded him of it DAILY. I slowly slid down the slippery slope of unforgiveness until it literally became a part of me.
And with this newfound relationship with unforgiveness came its ugly cousin, bitterness. Bitterness is the only well available to drink from behind a wall of unforgiveness. So, not only was I now in an intimate relationship with unforgiveness, but I have also included others in its detestable family. Because this well of bitterness that you drink from regularly will pollute anyone and everyone you share it with.
These two cousins slow or sometimes halt your growth and movement in our faith and call and in life. Like that marathon runner with a sprained ankle, they slow you down and cause inflammation and pain. The hurt you experienced with your spouse isn’t fair, so the act of forgiveness doesn’t seem fair, either. I know; but it is righteous.
I’d like to say that my forgiveness toward my father was complete that day the Lord gave me that vision of the little boy; but I still had to walk out the feelings that came when memories would surface. But, by being willing to allow the Lord to help me be willing, it opened a floodgate of healing that took a year to be complete. Each time a memory would surface, or feelings would rise, I would look into my soul’s mirror and remind myself that I forgave.
I chose to not allow unforgiveness and bitterness to whisper to me and be attached to me. It was like exercising a new muscle; but the stronger I got, the less I had to do battle with those two evil cousins.
So, my friend…if you haven’t yet forgiven your former spouse…are you at least willing?
For more on this subject of forgiveness, check out the Rise and Reclaim After Divorce podcast on Apple Podcasts, Podbean, or on our website at, https://redeemed-identity.com/podcast/:
- Episode 17, “When Forgiveness Feels Impossible; Finding Strength in Deep Pain”–launched on August 26, 2024.
- Episode 18, “The Hidden Impact of Offense with God on Your Faith”–launched on September 3, 2024.
- Episode 19, “The Consequences of Unforgiveness and the Six Practical Steps to Freedom”—Scheduled for September 10, 2024